I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
