And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
