I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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