I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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