i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i came on her dog
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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