I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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