And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
