Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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