Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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