my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
