I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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