My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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