Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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