You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
