I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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