i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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