I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
