tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
