Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
