i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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