so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
