Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
