True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He better not be in your backpack
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
