i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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