he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
