Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
