You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
