How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
