You smell like a Billy Joel song
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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