Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
