So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
