is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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