Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
