Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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