i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
