Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
