I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
