Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
