everyone is single if you try hard enough
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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