i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
