she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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