I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
