Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
