I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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