i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
