She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
