That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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