he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
