oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
