Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
even my farts smell like vagina
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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