Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
