Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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