i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
