we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
