let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
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First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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