Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
