When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
