i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
