I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
