I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Randomize
