I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
