oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
